


Nevermind

by Kaydalen



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst and Feels, Contains Story Spoilers for the Black Eagle Route, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-09-28 21:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaydalen/pseuds/Kaydalen
Summary: "The first time she had spoken these words they had been meaningless. Empty words covering her true feelings like a shield. It didn't hurt letting them roll over her tongue, no, quite the opposite. It had been easier and much more comfortable than revealing too much.Than speaking the truth.But only for so long."Edelgard is conflicted about her feelings and finds her own ways to deal with them. Byleth is unaware for the longest time.





	1. Chapter 1

"No, nothing. Nevermind.“

The first time Edelgard let these words escape her lips they had been meaningless. Nothing more than a lazy excuse for her not paying attention in class. Byleth had called her out for it, more than once, for letting her mind wander, for not being able to answer her questions correctly, for failing exams and for showing up late to class. It wasn't like her at all and the Professor had reached the same conclusion. She would never forget how her brows had furrowed in worry, how she had folded her arms in front of her chest, her expression blank as always, though slightly puzzled.

"Edelgard, what is going on with you?“, Byleth asked her. The true answer would have been easy. She was distracted. More than distracted. Her mind was clouded and heavy, her thoughts wandering constantly, Byleths teachings simply wouldn't stick, she couldn't help it. It was frustrating and embarassing. Being scolded by Hubert for it was bad enough, but now being called out by her teacher was beyond compare.

"Like I said, it's nothing, there is no need for concern“, Edelgard repeated, her teeths clenching, her cheeks pink in embarassment. She wasn't used to losing her composure like that.

"You know that you can talk to me“, Byleth pried, leaned back against her own desk and eyed her student curiously, "It is not like you to be so distracted. Care to share what is on your mind?“

Edelgard couldn't tell her.

Even if it was easy for her to place a finger on the reason for her being absentminded, pointing at the solution was a wholly different matter.  
Even if her heart ached for it, she couldn't allow herself this kind of release.  
Even if she was more than eager to just cup her teachers stupidly pretty face and spout lovestruck chatter, until she was tired of hearing it, she couldn't.

It was childish, it interfered with her plans. And she hated it when things didn't go as planned. Saying it would ruin it all. Ruin everything she had worked for, everything she had build. And at the same time a small part of her longed for it, felt like she would bend and eventually break underneath the tension if she didn't.

So her mind repeated over and over that it didn't matter and chose blank and empty words filled with nothingness to hide behind, to shield her true intentions.

With a forced smile Edelgard excused herself, leaving a puzzled and disappointed Byleth behind in a cold and empty classroom. Her own expression darkened as she gulped down the letters sitting on the tip of her tongue, so filled with love that she nearly choked on them.

_It is you, my teacher._

She would never understand anyway.

_I think I'm falling for you._

It would only hurt saying it and being pushed away.  
It would only hurt saying it and then having to push her away.  
It would only hurt saying it, get used to it and then being forced to kill her, because she had chosen to stand in her way.

"No, nevermind. It's nothing, don't worry about it.“

The second time the words spilled over Edelgards lips, Byleth was holding her. It was a surprising turn of events, she never expected to meet her in the courtyard, while everyone else was enjoying themselves at the ball. Swirling around each other on the dancefloor, laughing, cheering, giggling, bathing in the warmth of each others company. Edelgard had escaped early, slipped away underneath the countless noblemen who reached out for her to court her, to dance with her, win her heart.

They all meant nothing to her.

Again Edelgard was distracted. Her mind drifting, far away, bounced and fluttered between her plans, which slowly came to fruition and her scandalous fantasies about her teacher being close to her, laughing, snickering, holding her.

_Kissing her._

They were fuzzy, blurry, as she had never seen Byleth actually laugh and it was hard to imagine, but that didn't stop her from thinking about it, until her insides felt warm and fuzzy.

It was stupid and she hated herself for letting her thoughts wander.

Edelgard had spotted Byleths slim figure on a bench in the courtyard. She had been roaming around the monastery without a clear destination; she had just wanted to escape. Her teacher looked so small and vulnerable, the way she observed the clouds drifting across the sky and Edelgard couldn't help but stop in her tracks.

Warm and comfortable silence embraced her. Them both.

Her blue hair shimmered in the moonlight, her chest heaved slightly as she breathed in and out.

Her eyes reflected the stars above her.

Edelgard was mesmerized. Her mouth dry, her palms beneath the gloves damp and sweaty, her cheeks flushed, her mind clouded. How could someone so strong and relentless look so small and vulnerable and beautiful at the same time? It was a concept she didn't manage to grasp.

The young woman didn't remember how long she had been staring, but it probably had been for quite some time, because she next thing she knew was that purple eyes targeted her, pierced her, scanned her. A bland expression and still these eyes were as deep as the ocean, that Edelgard threatened to drown in them.

"Can I help you?“

She had been caught in the act and flinched at the sound of her voice.  
The young woman failed to find the right answer to this question, just like she wasn't able to take down the correct answers for the tests in class whenever Byleth was around. It would have been too simple, too easy, to give in and breath "Yes“, to break down her own walls and release her pent-up pressure and worry and frustration, but she didn't dare. It was dangerous and stupid and it didn't matter. This wasn't the right time nor the right place for it.

She feared suffering the consequences of her slip up more than she damned her own feelings.

Edelgard choked on her own words, as the "Yes“ her heart pushed her to blurt out was swallowed and replaced by a dull and meaningless: "No, I was just .. leaving. My apologies.“

Her gloved hands clenched to fists, shaking, her scars beneath itching, her chin not raised proudly, but her eyes focusing the moist grass beneath her feet. There was no room to retreat. It would have been awkward to leave and awkward to stay at the same time, so she was stuck in some kind of limbo. Though it was unbearable to keep her eyes focused on her teacher now that she had been found out. The lone wolf, who reminded her so much of herself that it hurt.

Who she adored so much that it hurt.

"Edelgard.“

The simple mention of her own name caused her muscles to freeze up, even though she still didn't dare to meet Byleths gaze. Only the sound of light steps on the grass told her the woman was on her feet and closing the distance between them.

"Was there someone bothering you at the bal? Is everything all right?“

This was not what she had expected. She had expected her to pry, to scold her for being so distant, like she had done in class, to call her out for closing her heart and pushing everyone away, but she didn't. Her teacher voiced genuine and selfless concern. The lovefilled heart in Edelgards chest fluttered and ached and she winced as the words she had sealed shut within her dared to escape her. It was hard to stop herself, it was hard to not let herself slip.

This wasn't part of the plan. This teacher was ruining _everything_ for her. She had never wavered like this before. The path she had chosen for herself was bloody and dangerous and she was already too far gone for anyone to catch up to her.

Without slipping on the trail of blood.

"Do not concern yourself, everything is fine, really.“

Edelgard barely heard herself say these words, barely recognized her own voice, but somehow she knew that she did. The world around her blurred as tears filled her eyes and panic captured her heart, as she wiped them off as quickly as possible, before Byleth was able to spot them.

_Don't be foolish, this is preposterous._

But it physically hurt. Not to say it. Not even allowing herself to think about it.

But all of it suddenly lost its meaning as warm arms caught her and pulled her into a loving embrace. Edelgards whole body went stiff, her filled heart pounding against her rips, so close to simply bursting open.

"My teacher ...“, she purred, felt the warmth oozing off Byleths body like lava, her own cheeks burning. She had never been so close to her, she had never even dreamed being so close to her. For a brief moment her whole world turned upside down. Her gaze and mind cleared up again as she raised her chin, while her head nuzzled comfortably in the crook of the taller womans neck, her tears dried up and she couldn't help but let herself fall and drown in these purple eyes that were studying her with as much worry as affection. With more expression she had ever hoped to see in this usually expressionless face of hers.

"Whatever it is you are struggeling with“, Byleth whispered, a smile curling her lips, "just know that I will be here to shoulder that burden for you, if you ever need it.“

Edelgard felt like a fog was being lifted, a dam being broken through, teared down. For a split second, she choked on her own words, her whole throat ached and cried and wailed in agony.

_Just say it, just do it, before it is too late._

And she listened. She slipped up. For one moment in time she wasn't Edelgard, the ambitious Emperor who was disappearing from the monastery every night for a reason, but Edelgard the student, the young woman with this unbearable pain and heavy heart fluttering in her chest, caused by feelings too unspeakable to even breath in a hushed voice.

"I thank you“, she sobbed, hid her face in the crook of her teachers neck in embarassment and she felt her muscular arms pull her closer as she gave in to the embrace. Her whole body felt like it was on fire, her face and ears tingled, her hands were shaking as she buried them in Byleths coat, as if her body could crumble to dust underneath her fingertips and vanish into thin air if she dared to release her.

"Don't mention it."

She felt truly _happy_. Happy and safe and content and she knew exactly, this was what her heart yearned for. What it had longed for for weeks and months and even now it was pushing and demanding even more contact.

_Kiss her._

Byleth was shining brighter on her and her life than the fullmoon above them.

But the happiness didn't last.

Dark clouds pushed themselves in front ot the moon, the light, her fleeting moment of peace and just like that it was gone.

Her mind wandered. Her expression darkened. Her smile faded.

Reluctantly Edelgards fists released her teachers coat and she pulled away from the embrace. Byleth didn't stop her. Willingly she let her go and a small part of her, that was quickly shushed, wished she hadn't.

"I ... my apologies.“

Edelgard cleared her throat. She was relieved her voice wasn't shaking anymore. "I really appreciate your concern but ... I am fine. There is no need for worries“

She acted as if the last couple of minutes had never happened. Like Byleth had never held her in her arms and had told her everything was going to be alright. Like she hadn't lost herself, leaned into her touch, purred beneath her fingers and had nearly confessed what dared to burst her lovestruck heart open.

These feelings were holding her back and driving her forward at the same time. Pushed her to move on with her plan, to bring as much distance between her and her teacher as possible. So it wouldn't happen again.

Edelgard noted how Byleth stepped away from her, how she crooked her head and buried her fists in the coats of her pocket.

Again she was hard to read, the rare smile wiped off her face. But she probably had realized she was lying to her. She knew that nothing was alright and that her heart was tied down.

_Of course she did._

The sole thing she didn't know was how hard she was falling for her. The wave filled heavy with feelings of admiration and love was crushing right above her head and nearly drowned her.

But there was nothing to be done.

_I can't bare the thought of dragging you on this sinister path with me, my teacher._

"If that is the case.“ Again her expression was as blank as always. It pained her not being able to see past it anymore. The stars from earlier had vanished, pupils now dull.

"A Good night to you then, Edelgard.“

Without another word the taller woman passed her and melted into the shadows of the night.

Edelgard couldn't help but follow her with her eyes until she was swallowed whole.

Maybe she had given her teacher too much credit. Maybe she was too dense to realize what was going on. Or maybe she was simply hurt. Had given up on her.

And as much as she wished for that to had happened, so she wouldn't have to worry about her feelings anymore, as bad was her urge to burst into tears just by thinking about it.

Her heart was leaking. The love that was filling it up had cracked it open, its insides leaking like honey out of a broken jar. And all these bright and shimmering emotions got lost in the darkness swirling inside of her like a black hole.

With every lie she told she lost more of it. With every meaningless word she chose she was giving bits and pieces of it away.

Until at some point there would be nothing left.

_You really have no idea how hard I have fallen for you._

_And you will probably never know._

"And Professor?“

Months later Edelgard found herself again alone with her teacher. This time in their new base of operations, in a silent corner, right before the final strike against the Church and the Knights of Seiros. It had been a busy time, with twists and turns. The Emperors plans had been set in motion, even if not everything had been going as planned.

She had expected to be interrupted by Byleth who was hunting her own alter ego, the Flame Emperor, for weeks and months now.  
She had expected to face her in battle at the Holy Tomb, to even yield underneath her blade, to be forced to her knees, forced to surrender.

It had been a part of her plan to finally lay her own emotions to rest, which had been nothing but trouble for her. Ever since their meeting at the night of the ball it had become worse by the day. Sweet and gentle thoughts kept her up at night, until she found herself blushing furiously over them.

Edelgard had pressured herself for far too long to hold all these fantasies in confinement, but now they were spilling over, like water out of an overboiling kettle.  
And she didn't quite know how to handle all of them at once.  
Edelgards thoughts circled longer around her beautiful teacher than she had considered healthy.  
It felt as if she had lend a part of her own soul to Byleth, which she could only gain back when she was close to her.

_It was simply foolish._

If she just had proof that her feelings would be unrequited, maybe she would be able to move forward. Obtain that part back she thought she had lost. It would feel much better, easier, being forced to meet her in battle, to cut her down even.

_To kill her._

That was what she had been telling herself.

But again her teacher had surprised her. Caught her off guard. Instead of raising her blade to her neck and slitting her throat here and now, she had soaked up her words, her explanations, her ambitions like a sponge, only to lower her weapon, to step forward and turn around to stand tall and protective in front of her.

To point the tip of the Sword of the Creator at the archbishop, whos expression was puzzled at first.

Then despiteful. Then furious.

"How dare you! You worthless piece of garbage!“

Even if Byleth didn't flinge at those words, Edelgard was sure that they had hurt, cut deep into her flesh. They weren't directed at her and she herself even felt her legs shaking and nearly giving away beneath her as they refused to carry her own weight any longer and felt this pain tingle in her abdomen, nearly forced her to puke.

But her teacher stood tall and strong and beautiful.

She had made her decision. She had chosen her side, she had chosen to walk this bloody path with Edelgard, who herself was grateful as much as she was irritated.

It could have been _so_ easy. She could have been able to lay her feelings to rest, would have never had to struggle again with overcoming her fear of rejection, her fear of dragging her honest and brave teacher down with her.

Now she was more conflicted than ever.

And the Professor already too far gone, beyond saving.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all to admit defeat. To admit what had been troubling her for such a long time now.  
Maybe her teacher would understand, let her down easy, so this distraction of hers would finally come to an end.  
Now that the Professor was already in with her. Now that she had turned her back on everything Edelgard had been sure to be more important to her than her own selfish goals.

Maybe it was not so stupid after all. To think she could be loved by this beautiful person.  
Maybe this was her chance to stop swallowing her affection and replacing it with an empty „Nevermind“ and to set her own broken heart and mind free, before it was too late.

Before there would be nothing more of Edelgard left.

  
Byleth finally turned to face her, the dark circles beneath her eyes more prominent than ever, her expression not that blank and stale like Edelgard was used to, but moody and tired and pained. Taken aback by that sight of her, she was speechless. She hesitated.

The silence settled in between them as they observed each other expectantly.

Soon it became uncomfortable.

"No, nevermind“, Edelgard shattered the breathless silence, "Rest well, my teacher. We will talk again in the morning.“

Without exchanging anymore words or glances the Professor turned her back on her and retreated.

More empty words that weren't even that empty anymore.

And just like that the opportunity was gone.

Edelgard was on the edge of tears. She didn't dare show it, let anyone see, but her insides were torn. For the first time since Byleth had joined her, protected her, decided to stand by her side, she felt _guilty._ But not only guilty, she was disgusted by herself.

She was the cause, the root, of Byleths pain. Did she only think about confessing her feelings to her, because all the puzzle pieces had fallen right where she wanted them? Because Byleth was with her, supported her plan and was here to guide her? Was she only the Queen to her King on this chessboard, who could extent her reach much farther with that powerful sword and that brilliant mind of hers? Or did she actually _love_ her?

The lines between gratitude and affection blurred. She couldn't tell which was which anymore. Had everything she had felt before even been real?

Her selfdoubt was unbearable. Again she decided to delay her confession until she had figured things out, until she had managed to ease her teachers pain. Byleth had earned at least that much.

_Do I really love you? Or do I love the concept of your strong personality right by my side?_

_My apologies, my teacher, I am insecure I will be able to find a timely answer._

"Byleth!“

Edelgard called out for her just in time. Startled the Professor dived out of the way just before the massiv tail of the Immaculate One came crashing down right where she had been standing and left a crater. As graceful as a cat she hustled back onto her feet, just to violently impale what had nearly killed her with her burning sword and draw a cry of pain from the massiv beast.

As much as Edelgard tried to keep her mind together, it was just not possible. This fight had her slipping, losing her composure. She didn't dare to give her next action much thought, in fear she wouldn't be able to reach a conclusion in time.

She hadn't intended to call the Professor by her first time, it had just spilled over her lips before she could stop it. She had already seen her being crushed by the furious beast that was Lady Rhea and panic had taken the better off her.

All of this was going downhill way too fast. Not only were both of them nearly powerless against the Immaculate One, it would also take some time before reinforcements arrived. Until then they were forced to stand their ground and hold their enemies off for as long as they could manage.

Determined Edelgard tightened the grip around her axe and gave it a few swings before storming forward, while Rhea was distracted with Byleth and the fierce hits she dished out, parrying her sharp claws as well as trying to reach her vital body parts simultaneously. The smell of blood and ash and sweat clogged her nose. The clashing of swords, cries of pain and determination filled her ears and her head and made her stomach turn. How many people would lose their lives here on this battlefield?

Her heart sank with every step. Maybe it was pointless. Maybe they didn't have a chance. Maybe Edelgard had bitten off more than she could chew and her people as well as the Professor had to suffer the consequences.

Weak and with her arms shaking she bashed in the skull of some knight blocking her path and liveless he dropped dead before he even realized who or what struck him down. Blood splattered on Edelgards armor and she had to wipe drops off her cheek. She stepped over the lifeless body, didn't deign to glance at him.

No. She didn't have time for doubts. She had chosen this path, she had sacrificed too much to get here, she had roped Byleth into her schemes and had lost part of herself, part of her humanity, in the process.

She wasn't allowed to falter now or it would have all been pointless.

And after everything was over she would finally be able to figure out her own heart.  
No more regrets.  
No more holding back.  
No more guilt.

There was only the path forward.

At first she had worried about Byleth not accepting her, but she did.  
She had worried about her being rejected, but the Professor had embraced and comforted and protected her.  
She had worried and hoped at the same time she would refuse to join her, but she had jumped right after her into hell itself without giving it a second thought.  
She had worried about her own emotions making her weak, but they actually fueled her resolve.  
She now only had to determine whether or not her feelings were real.

And whether or not Byleth would return them.

For way too long she had buried them underneath meaningless words and phrases and lies.  
And her only chance of ever finding an answer to those question was not alone, but together with her teacher.  
She had to speak up.  
No more „It's nothing“.  
No more „nevermind“.

No more fear.

Everything went downhill way too fast.

With a heavy blow of only one giant claw the Immaculate One caught Byleth off guard and drilled her small body into the already ripped open stone floor of the former church. A groan escaped her lips, a cry of discomfort, of pain, her expression panicked and pained.

Edelgards heart stopped. Her teacher never failed. She had nearly rendered her invincible and upon seeing her cornered like that caused her newfound resolve to falter and crumble.

_Impossible._

The Emperor sped up. Stomped through mud and blood, circling debries, dead bodies and abandoned weapons, her breath hitched in the back of her throat.

Closer, just a little closer, a few metres and they would reunite. This time she would be the one to save her. "You think you can defeat me?“ A seemingly bodyless voice growled and Edelgards blood ran cold, "You are as naive as you are traitorous.“

Her knees were shaking, she stumbled, but didn't fall.

"Professor!“

The sound of her voice resulted in the professors head perking up. Sweat pinned her hair to her forehead, her pretty face was muddy and blood painted the back of her nose, dribbing down her chin.

For a split second their gazes connected, the world went silent, Byleths lips parted, then she clenched her teeth like she had changed her mind.

What kind of thoughts had pounded against the back of her head, they didn't matter anyway. Whatever had begged to be formed into vows and promises would forever remain unheard.

_Nevermind._

All those words that had been lost in the void. All those words unspoken because of two troubled minds, two troubled hearts. Two lost souls forever doomed to circle around each other instead of beating in synch.

Edelgard blinked the tears away which were forming in her eyes.

Once. Twice.

She wouldn't be able to reach her in time.

Through the heavy fog she could only witness in horror as the claw choking her teacher lifted and the massiv jaw with teeths as sharp as rapiers pierced the professors soft flesh. The cry of pain was too much for Edelgard to bear and she choked back a sob as blood splattered the stony and broken ground.

The lifeless body dangled between the now crimson fangs like a puppet, the sword clattered to the ground.

"No!“

Was it Edelgard who was crying out or someone else, she couldn't tell. She suddenly felt far away, far gone, like she was the spectator of one of Dorotheas adored operas.

Her heart shattered at the sight of her defeated Professor just as the remaining walls of the church around her, caused to crumbled by the wild swinging of the Immaculate Ones tail.

The last thing she remembered was her own desperate attempt to shield herself from the debries that came crashing down with a roaring as loud as thunder and Edelgards conciousness drowned in nothingness.

_"Nevermind. It's nothing.“_

The first time she had spoken these words they had been meaningless. Empty words covering her true feelings like a shield. It didn't hurt letting them roll over her tongue, no, quite the opposite. It had been easier and much more comfortable than revealing too much.

Than speaking the truth.

But only for so long.

They got tainted. An empty phrase had gained too much meaning. Got filled and stuffed with dark memories and emotions she didn't mean to attach to them.

And in the end, when Edelgard was staring down the into the abyss, her teachers bloody coat, the only thing left of her, clutched desperately to her chest, she was hating herself for ever daring to voice them. For ever allowing them to gain this kind of significance.

Whatever she had imagined speaking the truth, speaking her mind, to feel like, to hurt like, it was nothing compared to this.

The Immaculate One had escaped after she got knocked out by the churchs roof crashing down from above her. Her troops had been decimated. Her plan had taken a heavy blow and instead of being able to march on, she was now forced to retreat.

And her teacher was gone. Her sword, her glow, her guidance, together with that fragment of her own soul Edelgard had unwillingly and unknowingly laid bare and handed over.

_The light was gone._

There was no body to be found, but it didn't matter. The Emperor had witnessed her getting impaled by an transformed Archbishop.  
She was dead.

She didn't mourn her like she would mourn a lost plaything, a fallen chesspiece.

She mourned for her like she mourned for the parts of herself she had lost.

Now that she was dead and gone the Emperor had found the answers to all these questions that had pained her.

Not that it mattered anymore.

"I love you“, Edelgard finally whispered these words that had been sitting on the tip of her tongue for so long. Ever since this private chat she had with Byleth back when she was still an innocent lovestruck student. Without blood on her hands.

Back then these words had been filled with a burning passion for her teacher, so hot that the fire had nearly consumed her from within.

A stolen embrace on the night of the ball during the fullmoon. These words tingling in the back of her throat, as she had felt the Professors warm and comforting hands resting on her back.

But now the person they were meant for wasn't around any longer.  
The person she had wanted to hear them wasn't able to breath life back into them by her reaction, paint them with new memories, experiences, feelings.

She had waited for too long.  
The oppurtunity was gone.  
The fire extinguished.

Her expression was blank as she buried her face into Byleths coat.

_I love you._

It was detached from any kind of meaning she once thought this phrase had held.

Simply sucked dry.

Saying these words didn't make her feel better. Or worse.

Edelgard didn't feel anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am usually a sucker for angst, but I really think this ship deserves a happy ending. So I will probably do a post-timeskip reunion to wrap this up properly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edelgard has to deal with the consequences of the war and her choices. Dorothea is there to keep her company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wrapping my head around how to properly fit everything I still want to say in just one chapter. It would have felt weird and rushed. I like having a clear theme throughout a chapter. So have three chapters in total instead of two

Edelgard was feeling things.

For some time, days, weeks, maybe even months after Byleths death the Emperor had felt numb. Numb and drained and exhausted. This war was demanding more of her physical and emotional strength than she was able to muster, was threatening her sanity. Every waking moment she was forced to be on her guard, as the whole unity of Fodlan was fighting back her revolution. They were after her head. She dared not to think about how many assassination attempts Hubert had probably already prevented without her knowledge.

The Emperors progress was slow and staggering. She struggled to earn victories and defend the land she had already claimed for her, the empire and her cause. They were mourning casulties on a daily basis. The troops moral was low and Hubert constantly on edge. She didn't blame him – though she wasn't quite sure what was worse.

Edelgard couldn't help but identify herself to be the centre of all the problems, the root, all the red threads led back to her fingertips. She herself had wanted this war. Back when she had her priorities straight and her eyes set on her goal. But Byleth had turned it all upside down. This fierce woman had unwillingly and unknowingly forced her to abandon her path. Had caused her mind and heart to fill with lovestruck chatter, fuzzy emotions and distracting fantasies she hadn't been able to escape from and waver on her path. She had invested so much time and energy into coming up with a solution to not let herself get distracted, that it had been all her thoughts had been circling around and accomplished quite the opposite.

It would have been much easier to just let Byleth in. It would have been much easier to place her trust in her, to believed that she would follow her and stand by her side without wavering. That she would understand why she had to do this. Why she had to fight this war.

But in the end Edelgard had decided not to. She had valued her own emotions, her own struggles, her own goals higher than whatever the Professor was feeling.

Her burning fear of rejection, of being hurt and abandoned, of dragging an innocent life down this sinister path with her had caused her to hesitate. To stop in her tracks. She had bounced these thoughts around in her head, turned them around like empty pages and not coming up with a solution after all. For too long she had hidden her true feelings behind empty words, had caused them to swell in significance while they still said nothing.

She had lost the _right_ to walk besides this beautifully bright person.

And now she was gone.

Edelgard should have been brave right from the start, embrace the passion lingering in her heart and invite her Professor in with her. Instead she had let her emotional struggles burn her out. She was torn between desperately keeping the love she had felt close to her heart and finally letting it go.

Byleth was dead and a part of the Emperor had died with her.

Edelgard spiraled down from feeling too much at once for her mind to handle, to feeling nothing at all.

She had mourned before. For lifes extinguished by her blade, for her broken up family, for whoever had fallen under her command. She had shed her tears, said her prayers and goodbyes until she had no more left and had tried to let it go.

But this time it was different. She didn't feel like weeping for her teacher. She didn't feel like weeping for the love she had lost, for the words she had left unsaid.

She only felt _numb. _

This didn't go unnoticed by her allies. Earlier on they would have considered her a quite charismatic leader. Stern and levelheaded, her eyes set on her goal, but still warm and caring. Now some of it started to fade. Edelgard didn't feel like joining her former classmates for any activities outside the command room. She had become used to declining any of such offers – Bernadetta and Dorothea were struggling the hardest with that decision of hers or so she had heard.

So soon they started to avoid her.

What had been friendly and loving encounters once, she now only thought of as a nuisance. What was the point of idle banter, when there was a war going on? Why engage in fun and games, when all happiness could be snuffed at any given moment?

Edelgard prefered to keep her mind on the upcoming battles. With the moral being as low as it was she had to score some victories fast, so that her Revolution wouldn't fail in just a few months time. She was losing her ground. As a result the Church of Seiros had to face the Emperor herself on the battlefield quite frequently. She fought and killed without remorse, cut down known and unknown faces alike. No one had shown her and her allies or Byleth any mercy, so she didn't even consider doing the same. She shut off her mind as much as possible when she fought, to avoid emotional backslash. At first it had worked well for her, until it didn't anymore.

And the guilt was catching up with her when she was back in her quarters, desperately cleaning her skin and armor from blood and mud of the former battlefield – the dirty water she was dipping the rag in over and over again changed colours from crystal clear, to a dark shade of pink, to brown and then crimson red.

Her skin was soon sore.

_Regret. _

The shift in her emotional state didn't occur instantly, but rather sluggishly. She was moody and irritated, then furious and desperate. Edelgard would even go as far as to call herself unpredictable.

And in light of these recent occurences she caught herself more and more often wishing she would just go back to not feeling anything.

Nearly every night the Emperor saw her teacher die; by now she was quite used to it. Was forced to witness over and over again how the fangs of the Immaculate Ones pierced her body and drained all the life she had left in her. Usually she woke up drenched in cold sweat, groaning and shaking in panic and fear, stared at the dark ceiling with a blank expression until her quivering heart had quieted down. Until it stopped fluttering against her chest like a caged bird.

Until the images had faded.

This night it was different. Again she was back on the battlefield, where she had suffered a crushing defeat nearly five years ago now. Where she had lost Byleth. A distorted version of the Immaculate One was chasing her, her younger self. A more collected self, someone who was still kind of whole. One not already drenched in blood. She couldn't remember why she was running and not fighting. The only thing she knew was that she had to escape.

Eventually it was Byleth who forcefully stopped her in her tracks, blocked her path, reached out her arms invitingly; though her eyes empty, the light gone. Edelgard hesitated. The beast that had once been Rhea was still chasing her, there was no time to stop, there was no time to think, she had to escape or face her empty-handed instead, there was no-

She hestitated for too long.

The Immaculate Ones tail came crushing down, smashed Byleths slender form right in front of her eyes, before connecting with her own body. Edelgard felt like the breath was being pushed out of her lungs, she couldn't breath, she couldn't -

The Emperor awoke in her spacious but uncomfortable bed with her throat dry and sore. Her body was drenched in cold sweat, her head spinning, she felt dizzy and sick and her legs were shaking. Her chest heaved heavily and she placed a hand on her sternum in an desperate attempt to calm her fluttering heart.

She had experienced this dream before over and over again and she did not at the same time. This time it was different.

Her wildly thumping heart didn't quiet down, painfully it echoed in her ears. Her whole body arched underneath the images burned in the back of her head, which refused to fade away and let her rest. And as her hands touched her cheeks she found them wet with tears.

Before Edelgard could figure out what this meant, she heard a knock on the door to her quarters. It wasn't forceful, but still determined.

"Edie?“ It was Dorothea. She was the only one dared to call her that. And she was the only one who was allowed to, "Edie, are you alright?“ Her usually lovely and melodic voice sounded throaty and dull and she couldn't overhear the worry colouring it. The war had hit all of them pretty hard, but Dorothea was struggling with the consequences the most. The effect her development had on all of her allies was downright terrifying. The former songstress had been everyones tower of strength, with her cheery and bubbly personality and her optimism, while everyone was suffering with the effects of the constant fighting and the emotional aftermath of the Professors death. She had been a guiding light in everyones darkness.

But in recent years she had grown quieter. More tired. Less likely to perform a song in the middle of the dining hall to boost everyones moral. Even simple tasks seemed to exhaust her and Edelgard had noticed her lip quivering more and more often whenever she struck down an enemy soldier, clenched her hands to fists as soon as the magical energy had escaped her burned and black fingertips. "Only thorns left on this rose“, she frequently joked, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

Edelgard again hesitated. This was becoming some sort of an awful habit of hers recently. She used to be quick and determined about her decisions, now she was used to questioning every little thing.

_It's nothing, don't worry about it._

Words that had fallen from her lips often in the past, but lately quite rarely nearly escaped her; they were soaked with emotions like her dirty rag with blood after a long fight. The Black Eagles classroom, the stars, her eyes, her smell; it all came rushing back. Suddenly tears burned in her eyes. Tears she hadn't allowed herself to cry for years.

The Emperor knew it was finally time to open up. Let someone in to guide her, help sort out these emotions or they would soon incinerate her mercilessly from the inside, until there was nothing else left but ashes.

"You .. you may enter“, Edelgard finally answered, her voice throaty and clouded with sadness, her hands desperately clutching the sheets, shaking ever so slightly. She wasn't even sure if her friend was still there while she had been induldged in thoughts. But Dorothea eventually pushed open the door to her quarters and slipped inside quietly, curiously, with a worried expression sitting on her face. Their eyes met and for a moment the silence dominated over them. Neither of them even questioned why the other was up this late, because they already knew the answer.

Ghosts were haunting all of them.

Dorotheas brows furrowed, her eyes widened, as they were resting upon their usually so proud and unwavering Emperor, even if her methods had become rather questionable in recent times. Now she was sitting there on her bed like a picture of misery, dressed in only a lazy nightgown which was barely covering the numerous scars decorating her fair skin, telling stories about a dark past she herself refused to share with anyone, countless fought battles and times long gone. Her whole appearence was that of a vulnerable and fragile woman, who had endured way too much in her short lifespan.

Dorothea was the first who dared to speak: "Edie, were you .. crying?“ No one had witnessed her cry in a long time.

Not when the Professor died.

Not when they weren't unable to recover her body to give her a proper funeral.

Not when she lost battle after battle and was close to losing the entire war.

Not when she was forced to cut down who she had once considered friends and classmates.

"What happened?“

It was these two simple words that finally broke down Edelgards defense. It all came rushing over her, like a flood. All the emotions that had been lost to her, when her body had shut down, grown numb, to shield her maybe, prepare her from drowning in what would be too much for her to handle all at once.

And now the cattle overboiled.

The first tears started to fall. The young womans lips quivered dangerously, her sight blurred and she brought the sheets up to her chest in a failed attempt to cover herself – hiding her sorrow was impossible. She lost control over her emotions, her composure crumbled.

And she just let herself go.

Dorothea didn't hesitate. Swiftly she closed the distance between them and the bed creaked softly beneath her weight when she sat down and reached out. Her lean hands touched Edelgard shoulders, ran gently up and down her arms while she wept, eventually pulled her into a tight embrace. She didn't struggle against the sudden display of affection, she simply enjoyed her friends warmth, listened to the sound of her heartbeat. It soothed her, calmed her mind, tugged gently at her soul, tied her down, prevented her from loosing herself.

Edelgard didn't know for how long she cried, but eventually the spring of her tears dried out. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks wet and her mind blank. She felt as embarassed as she felt relieved. For years she had been numb to everything, had choked down her emotions, had even at one point considered it the right thing to do. But now that she had finally allowed herself to mourn for the love she had lost, for the time she had spend being anyone else but herself, for the isolation she had put herself through and the crushing loneliness following it, she felt empty. But a good kind of empty. Empty and drained of all the pain throbbing against the back of her mind, drained of the arching that had captured her own heart.

And Dorothea was still with her. Her embrace was loving, her fingers gently combing through her hair. The young woman felt guilty. She hadn't been as kind as she could have been to her in recent years, even while she knew how hard the whole situation she had put her in pained her. And now she was repaying her unfair behavior with kindness.

She didn't deserve her.

The former songtress had noticed her body calming down, brought some distance between them and eyed her with a worried expression.

"Are you feeling better now?“, she asked. Edelgard simply nodded and wiped her wet cheeks dry with her bedsheet. She was right. She felt a lot better now. Though 'better' was even too simple of an answer to describe the twists and turns that had been going on within her heart. "Well, I'll be damned.“ A weak smirk tugged at Dorotheas lips.

"Pardon?“

"I never thought I'd see a woman under all that armor“, she confessed, "Ever since the beginning of the war, I didn't recognize you anymore. You felt like a different person. It really is a relief to know that you can still feel something, besides … hatred.“

The silence following these words was nearly unbearable. A younger Edelgard would have ruffled her feathers at the statement and downright denied it.

_Don't be ridiculous. I am not only feeling hatred, I am making the hard decisions and leading this war. It is downright preposterous of you to assume-_

She quickly interrupted herself. This was the kind of behaviour, that kind of thinking, that even got her into this mess. It was useless to deny it, she knew Dorothea was right. It was rude not to acknowledge and respect how she felt. She would not let herself repeat she same mistakes she had made with Byleth.

Back then Edelgard had refused to let Byleth in. Had turned down all of her offers to help her, had refused to tell her how she felt, had been tied down her by heart, by her own ego. And in the end it had been her downfall. Both of their downfall.

Maybe it was finally time to stop. Maybe it was time to reach out for the words drenched with feelings, who conveyed affection, sadness, love, instead of closing of her heart and parrying every attempt of someone getting close with a "Nevermind“. A word overused, dragged through the blood and mud of every kind of emotional and physical battlefield, a word that had brought her pain, while it still said nothing.

Maybe it was time to put it down entirely, put it out of its misery.

Edelgard tried to collect some of her broken up composure, as she was looking for a suitable answer. "I didn't intend to turn into someone you would consider so … unapproachable“, she finally said, weighing every single word on the tip of her tongue. She noticed her voice still being hoarse from crying, "I have been struggeling with a lot.“

Her answer was weak compared to what was actually distracting and paining her. It ran so much deeper. Even if she had decided to open up, just a little, it was still overwhelming to think about revealing it all at once. Her friend probably realized it and didn't pry any further. She was grateful for it.

"I believe we all do, Edie“, Dorothea agreed, pushed some strands of Edelgards silver hair back behind her ears, who shivered slightly at the touch, "Especially after what happened to our dear Professor.“

Instantly the young woman was fighting back against the tears threatening to drown her eyes again and clenched her teeth in an desperate attempt to gulp down a sob that was stuck in the back of her throat. She had hoped her friend would spare her the agony of talking about Byleth, but something deep inside her knew that it was as much necessary as unavoidable that she did.

"You still have her coat.“

It was a statement, rather than a question. Edelgard didn't need to raise her chin and follow her gaze to know what she was talking about, yet she still did. Both of the womans eyes got caught on the deep blue piece of clothing which was carefully draped over the armrest of an otherwise empty chair sitting in the corner of the room. If they didn't know any better, another could have believed its owner to return any moment now to retrieve it. It was clean and well cared for.

Edelgard grimaced at the sight. Memories of that day came rushing back. How she had clutched the coat tightly to her chest, while the blood on it was still wet. Remembered how she had desperately attempted to scrub it clean in all those sleepless nights she had spend alone in her quarters. Still felt the pain prickling in her fingertips where she accidently had poked herself with a sewing needle over and over again, while silently fixing the ripped holes in the fabric – reminiscences of the Immaculate Ones fangs - on those lonely evenings, only accompanied by a weakly flickering candlelight. She still sometimes let her hands brush over it or discarded her bedsheets to replace them with this last thing she had left of her lost love – even if her scent was long gone.

The young woman had never told anyone about her still hanging onto it, even if they must have suspected it. It was an item she kept close to her heart, closer than she did any other human contact. Revealing it being still in her possession meant revealing a lot about her state of mind as well as emotional state. All of them had been close to Byleth, but she wasn't sure if all of them were lovestruck and dumb enough to care for a dirty old coat, just because she had worn it once.

"You fixed it.“ Another empty statement Edelgard wasn't sure she expected a justification to or not. Because she didn't have one. Or rather didn't feel comfortable enough yet to share it.

_Love. Out of love._

Dorothea noted her silence that spoke volumes. So again she didn't pry, just held her close and combed through her hair. Slowly the young woman loosened her tense muscles and gave in to the embrace, sighed at the affection she received.

She felt strangely at peace. Even if just for a brief amount of time.

"She will be glad you kept it safe for her all this time.“ Edelgards heart nearly stopped at these words of hers.

"The Professor is gone“, she mumbled quietly as a reply and buried her fingers in her friends nightgown, "There is honestly no use keeping it, but I still can not help it.“

"How can you honestly think that?“

The Emperor lifted her head in surprise and met the others eyes who were clouded with desperation, her brows furrowed in distress.

"I am deeply sorry, but I always meant to ask you. I just can't believe you would give up on her like that!“

Edelgard gulped down a big lump which had manifested in the back of her throat in a matter of seconds. She felt her muscles starting to strain again and tremble ever so slighty

"I witnessed her perish, Thea“, she finally answered, her voice barely more than a low hum.

"How can you be so sure about that?“, the former songstress gritted her teeth, "We never found her, she could still be out there. You didn't even order anyone to go look for her!“

"Stop“, the Emperor demanded, with all the authority she was able to muster in her current state. Deep inside she knew Dorothea didn't mean any harm, was only looking for answers to her own questions paining her, but she still felt offended on a personal level, "Just stop. Please.“

"I simply … would like to know.“ Dorothea sounded hurt. Desperate even. Edelgard had to remind herself of something that had nearly slipped past her while she was drowning in self pity:

She wasn't the only one who mourned Byleths death.

She wasn't the only one who lied awake at night, restless and empty.

She wasn't the only one who wished she could have done more, who wished things had been different.

She wasn't the only one regretting the words left unsaid.

Dorothea had earned an explanation. The former songstress was desperately clinging to the humanity still glowing warm inside her heart, which was on the brink of being snuffed out. And she had embraced that light and shared it with her dearest friend, who had been too selfish, too troubled with her own feelings to pay her much mind in recent times. She had no reason to show her kindness and yet she did.

"But what if she is not?“, Edelgard finally breathed as an answer, her lips quivering and she quickly sank her teeth into the soft flesh, hoping she would be able to flush down her emotional hurt with physical pain, "What if she is not still out there, alive and breathing? What if I command someone to look for her, only for them to turn up with nothing. Or with a corpse.“

"But then you would at least have some kind of closure", Dorothea argued, "We all would."

A shiver ran up the Emperors spine. It wasn't cold in her quarters, the temperature was quite comfortable. Still she felt this chill which caused her muscles to flinch and quiver.

Her words filled her with regret.

"What is the point of scooping up all that hope I might have, only for it to be shut down by finding a corpse?“ She took a deep breath, nearly succumbed underneath Dorotheas pained gaze. "It would feel like losing her again. With every negative report. Over and over and over again. Until she really turns up dead.“

Edelgards eyes were drowning in tears. "You may think I am strong, Thea. The unapproachable Emperor, not faced by anything. But in reality … I am not. The pain would rob me of my last piece of sanity.“ Something was bashing against the walls of her mind, begging her to stop baring all of her emotions, was fearing of losing control over herself, over the situation. But the feelings in her heart were burning brighter, the wild thumping much louder; she could barely hear herself think.

"I … loved her.“

And suddenly there was silence. Like time had stopped. Her heart quieted down, her mind retreated in defeat. Her quivering fingers still clinging onto Dorotheas nightgown like a drowning man. For a secong time this night she felt strangely good. Collected. Sane. Relieved.

And yet Edelgard was weeping. Silently the tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't tell if she was feeling nothing or too much at the same time for her to handle. For her body to display.

She had said it again. Had said these word she had been keeping close for far too long. This time even with someone to witness her confess.

"Edie, I ...“

Dorothea choked on a quiet sob. Edelgard remembered her serenades. About glory and victory and friendship and love. About all these things she dreamed about, about all these things she wished to witness in life, all these beautiful things. Only to be meet by death and war and hatred. And a lover weeping over the love she had lost. They avoided to exchange glances, avoided gazing into the others eyes and souls by nestling into a close embrace. Edelgard was grateful for it, as she had to be a horrible sight. Eyes puffy, cheeks red and burning and sore from wiping off the tears over and over again.

"You don't have to say anything“, the younger woman whispered. She didn't want to hear how sorry Dorothea felt for her. That she didn't know. Already heard her asking if she ever told the Professor. She didn't want her pity. She didn't want to answer any question she didn't know she answer to herself. She had to deal with this new situation by herself.

"Just stay with me.“

The former songstress muscles relaxed beneath her touch.

"Please.“

And so she did. This night they didn't they didn't exchange any more words, were only silently spending each other their warmth, their company. Until they both fell asleep. Exhausted and tired.

Edelgards messy mind finally felt clear again. Sorted. They had ended their conversation on a depressing note, but she still felt like she was finally able to focus on what mattered again. Dorotheas presence and her questioning, her sheepishly drawing out her true feelings had set her priorities straight.

As soon as she heard herself say these words out loud she noticed how foolish they were.

How foolish it had been to be pessimistic and just ignore that last glimmer of hope. To just stop fighting because she was scared.

How foolish it had been to push away her former friends and classmates, who were suffering and in need of an anchor and an emotional crutch just like her.

How foolish it had been to try to snuff out her love for Byleth.

It was time to stop feeling scared. It was time to stop denying the cries of her heart.

It was time to stand up and keep on marching this patch she had chosen for herself proudly. She wouldn't want her friends to regret following her. She wouldn't want Dorothea being afraid to approach her. She would make sure to yet again be the strong Emperor leading them.

Comforting them.

Giving them hope, when everything else was lost.

She would do everything in her power to retrieve Byleth.

Alive or dead.

The Black Eagles deserved that much.

Her teacher deserved that much. At least deserved a proper burial.

And her own mind some closure.

It was the first night she was able to rest without terrible nightmares haunting her.

Dorothea was still keeping Edelgard company when Hubert knocked on the door to her quarters the next morning to catch her for the upcoming meeting of the war council. The former songstress was sleeping peacefully underneath the covers the Emperor had already abandoned. She had been getting dressed and ready, her mind and heart racing, already piecing together words and sentences for the proporsition she was about to make today. They wouldn't like it. Her friends and classmates would approve, but her generals wouldn't be thrilled about having to spare troops in a war they were about to lose to chase a ghost. But in the end they would only grit their teeth in disapproval and comply, bend their knees before their Emperor, she would make sure of it.

Silently she examined herself in the mirror. Her hairstyle was flawless. Her coat spotless. Barely a reminder left of the events of last night. Yet she noticed the prominent dark circles underneath her eyes, her red and puffy nose, her slumped composure.

The Emperor straightened her back.

No more fear.

_"Thank you, Dorothea." _

Edelgard reached out for Byleths coat to drape it over her shoulders, before she finally opened Hubert the door.


End file.
